I think I'm angry with you, is that okay?
I shouldn't say that, I'm conflicted. I think.
My thoughts about you vary between empathy and disappointment based on the day, or who I'm talking to.
On the one hand, when you chose to relinquish your rights and responsibilities to my husband and I.. man. You were a HERO that day, our hero at least.
On the other hand, the days leading up to one of our best days ever had to be some of your darkest.
The day that Avery, another mother's child, was handed to us, our hearts were broken into a million pieces and somehow healed at the same time. Avery could have been our millionth foster child, and the simultaneous shattering and mending of the heart would have still been the same.
Can we both agree that Avery maybe didn't get a fair shake in life?
The choices that were made in the early stages of her life weren't any of the right ones, but I think you know that.
Ignorance really is bliss in Avery's incredible little mind.
She probably will never be aware that she has biological siblings out there, being kept safe and loved by another family. -But we keep them updated in case she ever does.
She probably will never be able to put a name to her early-life trauma, and that includes the introduction into our family. -But we will still provide never ending support when she knows something isn't right but doesn't know why.
And I am betting that she will never read this. -But if by some feat she is able to cognitively understand this letter, it'll be long since taken down.
It'll be taken down because it's important to me to keep you important to her.
Can I make it about me for a minute?
Now don't get me wrong, Avery makes EVERYONE smile. She enters a room and immediately the attention is shifted to her. Is it because she's violently flapping six foot neon-colored straws around? Maybe.. But I think it's more than that.
You look at Avery and have a burning desire to know what she's thinking and reserve a space for yourself in her village of people.
She can do more with two straws and zero eye contact than I can do with hours of conversation.
However.
Im human, and by default, im selfish.
It hurts me that Avery was hurt.
It hurts me that her normal is seen as abnormal.
It hurts me that she will never know what she is missing out on.
It hurts me that I'm thankful for that?
It hurts me that we will never know what her full potential could have been.
It hurts me to be angry with you.
So from here on out I won't be angry. I'll try to edit the worst of it when people ask us our story. I'll make it evident that you made a brave choice in the end. Ill be grateful that you had a part in Avery finding her way to us. And I'll try my hardest to keep any memories that Avery has of you positive.
When we have hard days, where Avery is physically angry but doesn't know why, or when she cries tears that break my heart because she refuses to let me help, I'll probably get angry again.
But our family's gain from your loss will NEVER be forgotten.
It's easy for me to blame all of Avery's limitations on you, but it's not true.
You are not my scapegoat.
You came to the decision as a mother, that you couldn't give your child what she deserved- and again, my heart breaks for you and is endlessly thankful for you at the same time.
You gave her life and gave me the privilege of teaching her how to live it.
You first gave her a need for love and gave me the privilege of giving it.
You gave her up, so we could gain her affection forever.
And for these reasons, I can't be angry with you.
- Conflicted but not angry
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